Batangas, 2019
Photographed by Joshua Grabillo
Batangas, 2019
Photographed by Joshua Grabillo
Labis pa sa atin ang mundo.
Mas malaki pa ang mundo kaysa sa problema mo.
At may tahimik kang maalala, kung natuto ka sumuko.
Tahanan ang isang lugar, bago pa natin ito kilalanin. At tahanan tayo, tuwing tayo ay marunong kumilala, at magpakilala.
Bakit ang lumaki pa sa Siargao Island mismo ang may pinakamababang bayad, naghihirap, at nawawalan ng mga desisyon ukol sa paano pwede mabuhay kaysa sa mga dayo, lumilipat, at bumibisita?
First time ko sa Siargao, 2019. Ang unang tumatak sakin liban sa kayamanan at sa pagkamapagbigay ng isla at kaluluwa niya, ay ang mga taong dito talaga ang ugat simula bata sa ngayon. Walang ibang isinakatawan kundi ang parehas na kalayaan sa pagmamahal ng isla.
Sa gitna ng iilang isla ng Siargao, 2019
Mag-isa lang ako noon, at siguro nagtaka sila Kuya. Hindi ko alam, naisip pala nila kuhanan ako ng letrato dahil lang ayaw nila umuwi ako nang walang paalala ng isla. Napansin daw nila sinusundan ako palagi ng tubig sa aking galaw, pero ang napansin ko ay kahit hindi ko tanaw, ay mga kagaya nilang hawak na ako kahit mag-isa man akong nagdiwang.
Before I left, like a birthday gift, I saw my first ever shooting star.
“Dito ako pinanganak. Alam ko lahat ng pinagbago ng isla simula nung bata ako sa ngayon. Marami na ako tinuruan. May dalawa akong tinuruan na nalunod, dayo. Nilangoy ko agad, hinila sila parehas at dinala pabalik sa buhangin. Nabuhay. Tumakbo nanay nila, nagpapasalamat. Taga-Maynila. Alam ko kasi parehas amoy ng mga taga-Maynila. Amoy wax. Nagulat ako sa susunod na sinabi- tinanong ba naman ako kung magkano pwede niya ibigay bilang pasasalamat. Sinabi niya bibilhan niya ako bahay… Na-insulto ako. Nagtaka din ako. Bakit niya naisip na babayaran ako? Hindi ba ito ang likas at tama lang na gawin pag may nakita kang maaaring mamatay na buhay?” - Una kong surf instructor sa buong buhay ko. Nagkasundo kami agad kasi parehas kami mapaglaro, lumaking natuto mag-Muay Thai, parehas lang ng daloy ng dagat sa loob namin. Walang aksidente.
Bantakay Falls, Atimonan, Quezon, 2020
with the Inoy family
Ian, a good friend of mine, excitedly brought me to his family home in Atimonan in the middle of a deep healing I felt after releasing a very eye-opening years before. I felt a Love Drought from steering myself a direction that led me to a greyscale version of my Life, and a heart that recently fully opened after my first and defining trip somewhere in deep solitude in an island I wanted to be a Home to. Hilariously, this waterfall was my first experience of gush in this manner, and its height, and bigness, and even the amazing walk and journey to get there was beautiful to me. It filled me up- the falls, the experience of family through this friendship and their own, the energy of the Earth, their understanding of my relationship with it, and the genuine support that cannot even be bought, nor can even be earned- given freely because they are Love to me too.
Sariaya, Quezon, 2020
Atimonan, Quezon, 2020
Before the waterfalls that became formative to my finality in staying true to my Lane, clear and bright- to live freely, to explore Home in all senses within me and beyond me on a next level, and to learn by understanding what it could be through travel and humbly letting myself ask as I act on flights, offering, and surrender, Ian brought me to this place where we first jogged around. Somewhere, we climbed on a mountain and it led to this quiet, private road with a beautiful view of the mermaid’s tail of his home. He told me of the story of a mermaid and a fisherman who fell in Love. Because the village didn’t approve, and wanted to exploit, they found a way to make it impossible for the man to return to her. He died, and they couldn’t unite in that Life. Because of her heartbreak, she cursed the seas, and made sure nobody of ill intent and of selfish greed would ever catch fish, nor survive the sea that is her home. Her Love was banished in the blindness of men who meant nothing but its opposition, and so she banished men from ever experiencing it through the seas. To this day, they say, that people who dare try to cross this path with the same energy, pays the price of their greed because she is there- knowing.
Orani, Bataan, 2021
Photographed by Tricia Javier
“Tinalikuran ko na yung parte ko na mahilig sa sining…
Nabigo kasi ako sa oportunidad. Ngayon ko lang ulit hinawakan kamera ko… Naiyak lang ako.” - Tricia
When I first arrived at Bataan, I felt how much it was accurate that it was their name. “Bata-an”. Pakiramdam ko, ipapaalala niya sa iyo palagi kung sino talaga ang batang puro na ikaw. Kaya nung ginawa namin ito sa ngalan lang ng tuwang maglikha, at sa pagkonekta sa ilog na maraming gustong ibigay. May hikaw na nagpaalay sa kaniya sa gitna ng aking pagwawagayway ng puso sa tubig- may nilinis at may binalik na itsura saakin na matagal ko nang hindi nakita, na kahit ako akala ko nawala. Wala nang ibang may mata kagaya ni Tricia na maiintindihan ang pagbabalik na ito na sinabayan ako. At rektang pagsalin ang kaniyang mga pananaw sa kalabasan ng ginawa niya kasama ng kaniyang puso, dala lang ng pagkinig din sa puso ng Ilog Orani, at ako.
La Union, 2021
Danceprints on the Sand
I didn’t really plan on going to La Union. I did plan on going around the Philippines because it felt like it was time. My conviction was full, the wounds that used to excuse were now rode out in the past, my desire was not afraid, and I had nothing holding me back. For the first time in my Life, I didn’t feel responsible for anybody, and I had to let go of everybody a long long time ago when I realized how much I could not stand nor stand with anymore in the process. Only my younger brother. But even he is becoming his own now. I had nothing to lose. I did have connections that aligned with this dream, and this adventure. So we hopped on that ride. Left our life. We believed in making anew one where we can all finally be as free as we needed to be.
Who are we to decide which lives must be free? Who are we to decide on someone else’s lives and make them un-free?
Six months felt like six years there, knowing how much we breathed an air together- in unison to this clarity of what we were willing to surrender to at the chance of being free. It meant something different to everybody there. I meant something different, and maybe we will always mean something so specific- but all of that desire is united. La Union is his name, ang pagsasama.
I feel that if not to each other yet, it will unite you with yourself. Even if it means the waves washing away the unpure, the locals reminding you to look at the ground- the true locals that breathed with this Life before anybody decided, and the gossip that is a lot of desperation just trying to find… life again.
If anything, I feel that La Union will teach you to forgive, and be naked again.
Bulalakaw Falls, 2021
Photographed by JB Estrada
I learned how to trust here.
I learned how to give myself here.
I learned how to give myself to the chaos but stand still as Love.
I always wanted and was even ready to be photographed naked, in this light. With this intention. Not sexual, not horny, not beauty, even. I wanted purity- and my friendship with JB and what I offered to his listening heart is what made this the perfect and spontaneous “Union”- of me with me who will live different after these photos, and with others, again. Without jadedness too noisy- a whisper was too strong. This silence carries me along.
Siargao, 2021
To recollect in the same and first island that gave me the first feeling of a true solace in my Soul, and Home’s, I returned with this in-between reminding me of my Bigger why. How did I even land in La Union? And the pressing question of this journey: What makes you believe it is already done?
“General Luna, then known as Cabuntog in ancient times enjoyed a peaceful as well as bloody era. The original inhabitants of the place belong to the group of people known as the “Caragans” or people from the region known as Caraga. They subsist on fishing and farming. They live a life that was relatively tranquil and peaceful until the time of the Spanish colonizers sometime in the late 15th century. The arrival of these colonizers and their harsh treatment of the people caused resentment and misgivings amongst its populace that in the year 1631, the Caragan’s revolted in the mainland and attacked and leveled Cabuntog to the ground. The parish priest’s life was spared due to his earlier departure to Bacuag but his assistant was captured and was beheaded in a swampy area, noe believed to be the swampland between Barangay Malinao of General Luna and Barangay Union of the municipality of Dapa.”
Para saan nga ba ang Kalayaan mo?
Catangnan, Siargao, 2021
Photographed by Agos
Hindi ko alam paano natin paniniwalaan na mag-isa tayo. Kung hinalikan mo talaga yung lupa, maiintindihan mo na kahit ang mga patay ay matagal mo nang kasama- at marami pang buhay na labis sa iyo.
Urbiztondo, 2021
Photographed and Crafted by Alisa Sazonova
Isang malaking respeto ang pagpapaalam- nang iyong pasasalamat, iyong pagbabago, at sabay na pagpalaya.
I said goodbye to La Union as a residence, and chose to continue my journey. I came back to Siargao with no sure home, no sure job, just my savings, a tough and outrageously unafraid heart, and the most certain Yes I’ve ever said to a call of Earth so far. In retrospect, I realized I was given the opportunity to truly strip down again and know what I’m truly made of- and especially, what did I truly want to create?
The Earth always opened up for me, and that was clear as day when I come with no armour, nor concrete plans but to listen to where I’m taken. I was given the months to understand the island more- to learn her, breathe more of her in. Walk in the places she took me, swim in the depths and waters I have not touched in the short trip I gave myself in 2019. It’s like she just wanted me to enjoy her. In the silence of being un-tied and too held to be numb, I’ve offered her my stories that nobody else has even known, let alone tasted in my tears, and the ways my body beat with this heart.
My heart was brittle that October 2021. Broken, prideful, and hidden. She was also rooted- in the love I had for the first experience of family I ever had beyond Rocky. I was meant to go back and experience a Christmas that was for the first time of my Life, going to be happy and with family I choose. My flight was set, and this shoot happened with Agos who became my next door neighbor in this journey. Naturally, a new phase just called our Spirits to make. I stripped the yellow tones of the ground that bitter gourd thrived in.
My pain found solace in being a gift to their land. Being honest and positive in her clarity to listen, I allowed my tears to bubble, insides to boil, outsides to change, fire to rearrange, and Life to make itself new again by letting her take lead. I found my hands gently stripping the yellow into the sea, and the mangroves steady, understanding and unbothered by me. My whole ego was bathed in her Love, and that softened me into a version of me that wasn’t constantly… “prepared” for anything. She just is.
I concluded, Siargao is a mother. This island is a woman. She somehow is never unable to give to all of us. No matter what you came for. There is a reason somehow this Spirit makes people feel like they can be… anak. Anak tayo lahat tuwing tumiwala tayo sa kaniya.
Odette came like an inevitable destiny. I did not intend to be there- but the island did. The Ocean rose to wash the noise of the island into tears and fears unburied, and revealed. When you break down something, and rebuild it, you get to know what it is truly made of. As well as, what are you.
A true mother’s love is unconditional, and so what that love requires, is for us to recognize it. How can we when we are unable to listen? Who are we when we remember that Life was the greatest gift we ever received? What is Life when it is not crowded with ideas, rather, received with humility?
I stayed at the island, content. Human, sensitive, aware and therefore grieving, but mostly for who has been holding in their tears of pain for too long- the island, and her people.
I learned what a Mother is through Siargao, and I accepted the Mother she taught me to be. In the clear message of how the day has come for me to come back to what I already started and don’t need to end- I say goodbye to what is a clear ending. Our Love was complete.
I don’t think we need to know all of these things in order to take care of our habitat. I think, sometimes, we just need to experience the way the Earth is our Home and Mother, and fall in love. Naturally, we will take care of her. Because now we understand- because we are in Love.
Protection means to allow one to thrive without threat to life.
I woke up and the tree knew what was happening. The forest silent, presence immediate. My heart loud, and I’m at peace not needing to deal with presences that don’t want to be present.
She’s experienced me cry, dance, orgasm, laugh, sing, rage, and bite my own hand from a pain I refuse to be shared and heard by another human being.
Now, she experiences me become a mother.
To a life.
And to her death.
Though I am a walking “kid magnet” as Nica would put it, or a mobile unconditional daycare for kids, after Odette and Maya, my closeness with the Cosio girls fortified even deeper, and it was kids who saved my heart during these times- only purity could nourish me, and in the silence I have about it with them, I feel free without escaping me.
There is a misconception that we have experienced for centuries: that one must have an opinion about a woman’s experience, and that motherhood should be an open discussion, but a child’s voice is not heard, and men don’t need to be subjected to the same calibre nor expectation.
You have no idea what it feels like.
Ili Norte, 2022
Photographed by Alisa Sazonova
Whether I told them or not, and I never needed to, it’s like a mother radar went off with multiple mothers in La Union that I was already friends or acquaintances with or have not even met before. It somehow formed this unbreakable invisible understanding and with some, a solace, and a true sisterhood with. Thank you to Nica, and Alisa who instantly connected with my heart even more and loved me as Maya’s mother with no restraint, disbelief, nor fright.
Your opinion does not matter,
until your opinion on my life starts to hurt what matters to me.
Then there is a problem to address, and a need I need provided.
My Life is not your song.
Ukayin mo kung sino ka talaga.
When a woman is pregnant, she knows what to do.
When she is about to give birth, she can tell.
When she is allowed the freedom to be connected to her body,
when she is not under threat, nor influence of another’s agenda,
she leads her own birth, her own fertility, her own sex, her labor, her work.
How can you understand a mother if you do not want to understand the truth of being a child?
I went to Alabat, Quezon, invited by my friend Dale. He had no idea what has transpired- not the pregnancy, the miscarriage, the reasons for either, nor the happenings around and after. He just knew what was in my heart- adventure, fearlessness, and the alignment that just invited him to ask me to stay with him for a while.
Roro papuntang Alabat, 2022
Dale gave me the space to understand this new light of my life, and the darkness that gave birth to it. The darkness I’m not afraid of anymore. In the midst of this dance was the presence that made me feel like I can create again. The thing about losing something important is that it makes you doubt making again, even in ways I wasn’t aware. You know what I was reminded of? That even natural wildfires make space for even more Life.
I remember one night, tear-filled eyes. Hung up a phone on my biological mother who had no idea where I was nor what happened. My weariness from the drama about Maya heavy, and the weariness making it known I’ve been tired since I was a fucking girl, but when I looked up as I sobbed, a shooting star passed by just for me and that quiet night. I felt more than alright.
Hope should not be taken for granted, and never even feared- what we must fear is the resistance of hope… for the end is not near when hope is lost— the end is already here.
Dale shows me the world he has been able to create by rooting back to his island during the pandemic. He is a parent now to a legacy that breathed art into an island, gave love to a generation of youth looking for the same Soul, and the work that called him- Pintakasi.
Ian and Hannah visit, and we all gather to laugh at the woes of life. They meet Maya through the stories, they laugh at Dale’s ultra-serendipitous joke upon my arrival “Buntis ka ba?” with my story shocking his system. We sing Whitney Houston, climb ladders just to make each other laugh during our concert, bond over Quezon whose roots they share, and make peace just by enjoying our friendship. I fall into the arms of the same friends who remain my friends even when I’m not in the room, nor around. This is… refuge.
Manila, 2022
It is a gift to create something beautiful from what we have, and to understand the depth of the beauty of what we have untouched.
We ought to understand what it means to not see “waste”, but to see Soul, beauty, and wonder in something we have yet to understand its place in our lives. Once we value anything, may it be archival pieces, or a piece of an archive, we get to ask the question- what do we create with our Life?
Don’t you believe that the sacred can be everywhere?
Do you believe that the abundance of our physicalization and materialization can be prayers, practice, resounding rooted rituals, and revolution in the spirit of Love?
What if it is not either or? What if we give Love, and so will they? What if they give Love, and so can we?
God knew who to connect me with.
Summer came like it was the perfect friendship after the Supertyphoon.
It’s funny because we already met before but never really conversed- there is something serendipitous and on purpose about it all. I thank Odette for connecting me with who I feel quiet in my Soul with.
Agusan del Norte, 2022
Puto Maya
We travel by water to Siargao, ready to vote, ready to be together as we take in her reality after Odette, ready to help each other pick up pieces of our past and say goodbye to a clear finished chapter.
I was able to see Siargao and feel her after Odette in realtime. Despite the chaos around me and the people, I actually felt a certain peace- and even a deeper intimacy with the island as I hear her voice clear in a quieter state due to the ways tourists, noise in general and metaphorical has left the island a time where the people who stayed and the island itself can be restful, resounding, and respected.
Summer was not in Siargao during the typhoon though, and has not even seen her house since that moment. In this solace of sisterhood, as well as a real connection we realized we had, Love led us to us choosing what to do with our Lives once we take it in.
Grief carried her over a new life, leaving things behind, remembering and picking up things forgotten, choosing between what is true and what is for something else. I, who let go of a lot literally and metaphorically as Odette stripped me clean, was suddenly met with a rush of what I thought I already was bound to let go.
This is me, Sol, and Jasmin after the Typhoon. Right after, bonding over our dark and unconditional sense of humor, Sol said: “I want to tell my kids we survived this. Let’s take a photo right now.”
Outside the house we house-sat during Odette
Burgos, 2021
The photo came by to me after us three being able to process forward. That needs a separate site for me to detail well and whole. I had a small red luggage I left with my friend, Jiji, in General Luna. I thought it was already gone and soaked, and after Odette I honestly didn’t care much anymore. I knew what was important. I still had me anyways! But apparently, everything inside it was safe- down to my Women’s Bodies, Women’s Wisdom book, heels, art from my friends, and even an old laptop that I then immediately sold.
“Kahit naman walang bubong, walang pader, walang ring, pwede parin naman lumaban. May lakas ka lang at gusto mo parin lumakas. Ano pipigil sa iyo?”
Creatively Directed, and Photographed by Summer
Baguio, 2022
“Genesis”
There is no accident to tall trees loving me in this carefree, fearless, in-between. Nothing I lose is lost if it is real inside me. Two of the trees are named Genesis, and Twyloit.
Siquijor, 2022
through the eyes of Ciara Venezia
I usually do everything real to me alone. Muay Thai, travel, all that is my heart in naked forms, I do first alone. In Siquijor, I realized how much God did not allow me to do that after Maya. I needed to learn how to share these parts of me. To walk together into the new. I was always alone and understood it, now I’m learning what it is to be deeper in what “together” means.
In the Spirit of respect, I leave the mystery of her legacy unto mine. My Truth found solace in her magic, and understanding through the wilderness we both share. This moment, right here, is my sudden decision to come to Siargao quickly just to fulfill this gift and promise I wanted to provide for Julie, a good friend of mine who resides there. It was her first pregnancy, and I was one of the few she let know about it. She shared her desire to immortalize that moment, and it was a privilege to be trusted in such a sacred time. We both understood eventually why it had to be the both of us- I supported her with my natural understanding because of Maya, who is my first too, and she supported me by reminding me of the beauty that it truly is, above the grief and its aftermaths.
“Ito na pinakamalaking sleepover ko sa buong buhay ko!”
I woke up in the middle of the night, decidedly and enthusiastically walking to edge near the waters. We were in the middle of the big sea… The stars and sky clean of artificiality. Since I was traveling from Siquijor to Bohol to Cebu to Surigao, it was quite a long and beautiful trip that allowed me moments like this. I saw two shooting stars- honestly, I even felt they were coming. I felt my grandmother as the sun neared, and I had a feeling something beautiful was going to happen. And it’s true- wild dolphins came to greet me too.
Everything is music.
And the Universe knew what songs I needed.
Julie, and her first pregnancy, her baby, and her acceptance of who she will never be again, but who she will now become.
“Antu teaches me, not the other way around.”
Some families are eternal.
I came to a household that burned me, they didn’t know I was already a fire. I burned brighter so they can learn with me.
A drink for me and you and our wounds- I’m blessed to not only forgive,
but even be merciful and generous to any of you who want to burn me in pain too.
“Suotin mo nga… Pangarap ko sana makita anak ko suotin iyan.”
“
“She chose you!”
Hinay arrives, and a woman who witnesses her follow me back home after jogging with me (Yes, she did laps with me), expresses this line- hitting something deep and making me realize this was the same month Maya would’ve been born in the flesh.
“Ako naman papakita sa iyo ng mundo ko, Ma.”
Ma in Siquijor, 2022
the best people are the ones you laugh the hardest with even if you just met
A hello again to Ate Marlyn who was the first person I met in Siquijor last July, now celebrating my return and my birthmonth.
A wish come true… Finally, a nightdive.
I relate to the night so much more than the day. I cried when we rose from the depths, my heart filled with what it felt to have the silence of the moonlight undisrupted, the creatures dancing slow and making themselves both known and unknown, and the surprises God had for me every sway of my hips deeper, or further into somewhere I do not know, but I feel to go.
Underneath my belly on the way back, an inch apart, is the biggest turtle I’ve ever seen. She just wanted to swim in sync.
Photographed and Created by Kir Ubungen
We Are Shapeshifters, Manila, 2022
Boo arrives. Perfect timing. Hungry, innocent, dirty, heaven-sent.
Puerto Princesa, 2022
Photographed by rocky.
Kasama ni Leo bilang Rosas
Creatively Directed by Paul Cenizal
Dresses from Samantha Ong
Photographed by Summer
Friends will give you your flowers, but also remind you: you are the flowers.
Sagada, 2023
Mahika kasama ni Makia, sa Sagada, 2023.
Never underestimate what power truly comes from women who fully support each other. Look at the mountains and forests born from it.
Animals listen to you.
So must you.
“Motherhood is about letting your child lead you to Truth.”
Carmen, Cebu, 2023
Mangumit River, Laguna, 2023
Raquel introduces me to a river in Laguna as playful and as immortally youthful as she. Who said baptisms couldn’t be fun?
There are treasures that can only be found in darkness.
Jared invites me to a work of one of his students in Tagaytay. Brian is there too, and I feel their passion for the art in the air. They remind me of the photo above that I took when I looked around the area somewhere after the show. I feel only true strength can remain gentle and able to hold another one’s softness. That is who both of them are to me.
A secret road is sometimes a path you’ll only find if you were willing to go somewhere outside a map given to you. Some of them lead you home easier.
Magpa-alam ka muna.
Cabangan, Zambales, 2023
Nueva Ecija, 2023
Catmondaan, Cebu, 2023
Walang payapa sa hindi kumpletong pag-ibig.
My grandfather Pedro was the first man I knew. Through the stories of my mother, and the way she carried some herstories on her back that showed me who he was too, I learned who he is deeply and loved him as he was. He died in this house, and he died in the pursuance of leaving homes, legacy, the security he always wished for each of his children. He loved where he grew up- Catmon. He died where he grew up. It’s been 28 years, and the spirit of unrest is evident in the ways they couldn’t heal the bloodline’s boiling and resentment that disrupted the way it could have peacefully been received and appreciated- I’d imagine what he felt knowing what he sacrificed everything for was so… unseen and separated. I feel it in the animals that guard the house and his land. I also see it in the angels trying to guide my hands into what will become a life-long dance of life and lovelines beyond me.
Siling Demonyo
“Nagtatampo din sila kung hindi sila pipiliin o ipapamigay. Yung iniwan mo lang malanta?
Lumalago sila kung binabahagi. Maselan siya, pero tunay na anghang. Masarap!”
Laiban, 2023
“Kita mo ba kita ko, sis?”
“Alam ko naman ito talaga yung tunay na ako sa dulo kahit subukan ko pa takbuhan.”
“Wala iyan sa meron mo. Nasa pagkatao mo.”
Mga mukha ng nagpatawad ng mga hindi naman nag-”Pasensya”.
“Saktong sakto lang. Sa segundo na pagalaw palang!”
Marga is a good friend of mine who I relate with on a level of valuing Truth. We used to speak in adventures, in common kaartehan, in music, in dance, in art, in creating as women, in love for what called us to love us. In Kalinga, we smoked easy, talked deeply, shared about family, peed freely on the grass, laughed and let the mountains reveal themselves to us because well, we do the same. All the time. She is one of my truly FAVORITE artists in the Philippines, and a musician I dreamt of existing here. Listen to her! She is a maker of music coming from Truth.
Some secrets worth savoring.
Some shit in the music and the art anyway.
Go get it.
Malaya kami kasi pinipili namin.
Wings on his back, Grasya shows himself in the rain. No eyes, all sight. Fighting for his Life, giving his Love to every Life. A gift.
Lian, 2023
Cabiao, and the unexpected meteor showers!
So many fucking shooting stars I fell asleep wishing.
Cabangan, 2023
Desisyon.
Gabi sa Mangumit.
Paalam.
Iloilo, 2024
Baler, 2025
Bohol, 2025