pahinga

Pahinga. That’s what her Soul feels like.

She was on top of the ruins of the houses- some of ours, some of others, all of Odette’s aftermath. White, small, with orange spots. Eyes closed tightly as if it was on purpose and she had no desire to open them. Curled up in a ball, and I swear she looked like she could fit my palms. She was smaller than my two palms combined, that’s for sure.

I called to her, trying to communicate with my voice and feeling that the Supertyphoon was over… I could tell she didn’t think it was true. She was shivering. Consistently.

I wonder where she came from and if she was even from this island.

Did you know that the waves reached the tip of coconuts because the wind was so strong? You should know that from our house, there are 4 more rows of buildings, streets in between them then. Most of them were wrecked. The whole seawall, which was higher that one-story buildings, was completely gone.

I swear to God, I almost felt the way the sea finally retaliated at the ridiculous methods she wouldn’t approve in connection to living with her with the way I saw she just claimed more space for the Ocean to be free, and the sand to reach even me, after three streets.

So I hope you also wonder, “Where did she come from?”

Regardless, she’s a miracle. A kitten that probably flew in circles, and experienced things she was trying to forever leave with. So she closed her eyes.

I want to tell you more stories in detail. I don’t think I’m even doing each order justice, to be frank. I thought I wanted to share it all, but I realize now I don’t.

I realize there are some stories too sacred and too real to be beyond who I share them with, and where it belonged to. And some stories need to be asked for, permission and the showing of one’s ability and desire to listen to the reality.

So I end here with rest.

The rest shall come to you too.

Importante:

I’d like to thank the people who shocked me the first day (the 6th day after Odette in Siargao) that I opened my phone and got signal through the signal tower. I only wanted to tell my mother I was alive and well as well as those who were expecting me to be back. I was shocked by the amount of messages. Even further mortified but also laughing at the experience of being a “missing person” - I had no fucking idea. I was having a fucking blast (and a PTSD but that’s besides the point).

I kept joking to my friends when I was back that, “Hindi naman ako si Jericho Rosales? Nagulat naman ako sa mga mensahe.” Ang dami niyo… But I felt the real love, worry, support, and desire for me to be alive.

Special mention to close friends and people who intimately cared throughout the aftermath:

Summer who made efforts to make sure I was alive? Nobody found me cause I was moving a lot not even my uncle’s militar hook-up. I thank the efforts she made to make sure everybody was well.

Tiger who couldn’t sleep after not knowing what was happening.

Jo who was practically in hysteria with “What do you mean?” when she feared that me missing meant I might be dead.

I mean to be honest that was really scary this is why I was so fucking worried for everybody outside the island who knew me more than I was worried for myself!!!

Trischa who cooked a badass fucking meal and immediately saw me with Tiger just to be present.

My nephew, and a special housemate who immediately opened doors of their home to welcome me, knowing fully my discomfort with being with my biological family’s house.

Everybody I can’t mention…

I just love you, and love that you acted on it in any way- your care and your desire for me to be okay and more than okay.

Please know I will never not be grateful for each of that time no matter what is going on in this moment, I honor all the real love in actions big and small, past or present, and unconditional or not. Basta tunay.